That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
did i walk over a car last night?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize