I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
