Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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