I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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