I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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