I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
