shes about as inviting as chlamydia
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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