I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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