Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
