just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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