just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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