I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
