i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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