genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
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Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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