What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
