In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
