you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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