there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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