I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
