pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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