dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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