just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I deserve this hangover.
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