you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
