my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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