Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
