what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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