i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
