It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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