everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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