I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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