can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
