wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
