He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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