Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
