I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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