Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
