I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
