Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
