Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
