I met the friendliest cop last night
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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