My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
