the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
