he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I need a burrito and a hug.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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