did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
