I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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