How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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