I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
did you just send me my own nude
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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