Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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