My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
