bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
