I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
