Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
