6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
