so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We need to get me chipped asap
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
