Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
