I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Randomize
