hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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