I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
