he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
