Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
