he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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